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| i wonder if its possible that in another life or this life if ive done
anything so horrible that i am forever (as of now anyway) plagued with
worry, stress, and at times depression. i feel sorry for myself
sometimes because i cant ever be normal. i feel like theres this whole
different person inside of me dying to get out and express herself.
sure ive done my part in making bad decisions but havent i made up for
them. two months ago i dont think i would have been this hard on
myself. its so difficult now to always try to be positive. for the past
two weeks i dont think ive ever felt normal or happy or content. for
all my life i dont ive felt normal or content. there always appears to
be a piece missing. when i was younger, a mom; a little older, a dad; a
teenager, a life; now, happiness?...i dont know. there are my simple
pleasures in which i currently feel like i will eventually lose due to
my unfortunate ability to push people away. whether it is because i
dont feel like they will ever be able to cope/deal with the way i live
(forced to live) my life or i dont want to bring them down with me.
bless their hearts if they ever feel like they will be or if they
acutally will be there.
wishful thinking is all i believe i have left in me. to try to believe
and hope that one day things will be my way; the repressed person that
lives within me will finally get out; to be content...thats the only
thing that makes me feel strong. as said, two months ago i probably
would have said fuck it to
everything and everyone (with one particular person in mind) but for
some unknowable reason...i am weaker. ive always said, there will
always be a perfect day after a horrible rain storm...hopefully, that
perfect day will come before i wash away with the rain storm.
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| yet another day in hell. i cant even begin to describe the emotions that i feel. im trying to be strong but heaven help me...make me just a little more. i think im trying to front like im alright, as if everything is perfect in its place and that the only thing that is out of place is the mind of the person whom i have known for ten years as my stepfather. then again, maybe i am really okay...and this realization is true. but then why do i feel so alone? im in need of some assistance maybe someone to understand and empathize with what i go through or maybe someone who is going through the same thing as i am. but apparently there arent any out there. as said before, i dont need someone to say "im here for you always" i just need someone to actually do something and be there. i have no connection with anyone even the closest people i know. its a heartbreaking realization that i continually wait for the day in which i will be free from the prison that he has created for me. whether its a metaphorical or literal prison, not only my mentality and physical being is beginning to shut down but my moms as well. i have waited for so long for an escape and im beginning to feel that it never is going to come. my patience is starting to wear out, my hope starting to diminish, and my tears, scarily, beginning to disappear. how much longer to i have to wait? either for a person to save me...or to find my own escape. i cant believe that i cant even create strength anymore. i cant believe that his beginning to get to me...what happened? i held out for so long... | | |
| borrowed from kristine...
Subject: Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man smart woman = romance
Smart man dumb woman = affair
Dumb man smart woman = marriage
Dumb man dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss smart employee = profit
Smart boss dumb employee = production
Dumb boss smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
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| last night was another one of those moments where it just hits me that
life
for me at the moment will never be, for lack of a better word, good.
i've been so strong for awhile, or at least made myself believe that i
am but im really not. for a moment i lost the wall that i held up for
those that i made
believe care for me the most but unfortunately it seems that the wall
is slowly being built all over again. i realized last night that i
really am alone. theres no one there to really help me with the way im
feeling or to improve how things will be. no boyfriend, or best friend,
or family member to save me from the hell in which i slowly burn
in. maybe im trapped in my own pessimistic attitude and i block out all
the good people in my life because i choose to do so, but there doesnt
seem to be a person in my life who can understand what im going
through. i dont need the pity or the 'im sorrys' or the 'im always here
for you' phrases cuz for one its just depressing on my part and two,
are they ever really there for me? i guess through all the thoughts
that raced through my head i found that there really is no one to
save me. the 'im always here for you' talks isnt always as effective
and comforting as some people mean for it to be because in all honesty
they
really arent always there for me, if they were then they would be able
to help me, to save me. its like last night it was made clear that i
wish for someone to take me out of my misery and to let me be free. all
the emotions i felt jumbled into one big one. the anger, frustration,
loathing, hatred, sadness, all just became one big thing and its
upsetting because its always there. i dont have a moment in my life
where im not worried about something. every little thing that i do
somehow has a way to turn itself back on me, making me wonder about
every little thing. for awhile i thought maybe its just the way i am, i
have to analyze every detail, make each hour count, but where does it
all get me? i dunno, im lost and trapped at the same time with no one
there. no one to save me. its like i can allow other people to but in
reality they have no power to do so. so really, the only person that i
can truly count on is myself. its a sad lonely thing to realize. i
found that i truly realized the meaning of being alone in the midst of
a hundred people. its depressing and the only way that i can cope with
it is to be truly alone.
...i have this almost unbearable feeling in my stomach. i dont know
what it is but it hurts. maybe its the realization that things will
never change no matter how hard or how i make believe that it will. im
not strong anymore. i think im getting weaker by the moment. it sucks
to believe that this disgusting asshole that my mother is married to is
actually getting the best of me. hurting me mentally that im starting
to break down. my whole mind and heart hurts and to slowly believe that
there really is no one there stops all the tears that come up, which i
believe might be worse than having them fall.
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| been awhile.
hmmm...sometimes i think its tiring to live life. not to say i want to
end my life just that at times i wish that i could just live my life by
just thinking 'carpe dieum' (sp?). wouldn't that be something...
...i just ressurected my old blogs. i must say i've had some interesting thoughts...
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